Very recently married, my wife and I reached our first wedding anniversary with a three-month-old baby girl. Things in our hometown, where both my wife and I were born and raised and where we still live, continue to be somewhat as they have always been, so getting married for us also meant moving out of our respective parents' houses and living on our own for the first time.

We got married in December, moved in together that same day, and found out in January that we were expecting. Two major changes in one’s life as getting out of the (luckily) comforting structure of my childhood home and starting a life with my wife, got stuck together with the also significant change in one’s life that is becoming the dad of a baby girl. In summary, we had lots to process, lots to adjust to, and lots to enjoy, in very little time.

So why are we here? I decided to put in writing how the process of becoming a dad went for me. Initially for my benefit, but then I also thought that it was possibly for the benefit of whoever else is interested and stumbles upon this. 

For my benefit because as time goes by and the baby grows and I grow in my role as a parent, I can feel that the person I was in the hospital, inexperienced and nervous, seeing my daughter for the first time, is disappearing. And it’s disappearing from the ‘real’ world but also fading from my memory. My goal is, then, to write about my experience and the lessons I learned as a way to leave a record of who I was at that very moment of blissfulness.

For the benefit of others, it would be an added plus, though it feels a bit ambitious. Both because I am not sure how people (and what people, for that matter) will find this blog and if they did, whether what I have written would serve them any purpose. In any case, the idea that someone will read this has helped me give structure to what I want to leave in writing, so it has already been helpful to me.

I also want to take advantage of this introduction to describe how I decided to approach parenthood, which will inform the rest of the entries on this blog. I used the word decided to feel I had some say in it, but it could be argued that I didn’t really have more choice. 

The nine-month pregnancy, and especially those first months where it does seem that nothing is going on, allowed me to focus on figuring out what it entails to be a rent-owner and allowed me and my wife to enjoy, even if for a short time, our newly-wed phase. In other words, everything happened so fast, and so many things happened simultaneously, that I did not have much time to ponder the significant change that was becoming a parent. 

But on to it - Flâneur. The word, and its meaning, are old and have undergone changes throughout time, as summarized in its Wikipedia entry. How I use it here is how I understand Nassim Nicholas Taleb uses it, who is also the person from whom I first read about it.* When translated from French with Google Translate, the word means loafer and stroller. Both words suggest key elements of the definition as I plan to use it here: Not having a clear and defined purpose to which to invest your time in a specific moment and a leisurely walk around somewhere, with no other purpose than being in the moment and open to be surprised by whatever fate has in store for you.

Flaneuring, then, to me is being able to distinguish between what we can exert control over from what we cannot exert control over, and being prepared to face yet at the same time enjoy that which is uncontrollable. The concept as it will inform this blog has three main elements into which we can break it down.

The first is determining what is under your control and what is not. Here is where being recently married and living independently had the most impact. With so many things happening during the year we were expecting, we could not invest as much time researching about becoming a parent and babies in general. We did make preparations (nursery and such), but since our attention was elsewhere most of the year, we never got to the point where we had theoretically learned everything we could learn (read all the books and online articles, seen all the videos, taken all the online courses). The birth came and we were functionally ignorant of what we were about to go through.

This leads us to the second element of the concept, which is that you need to be prepared for what you cannot control. I say above we were functionally ignorant because we had done a minimum to ensure everything went smoothly, from making sure we got medical care aligned with our financial capabilities to having clothes at home with which to dress our baby. What we did not have time for was getting to the point where we were experts on the theory of having a baby.

I would recommend that the minimum required is getting the appropriate prenatal and postnatal care, both for the mother and the baby, and having one source of specialized information. For example, we used and are still using the now classic What to Expect. My wife jokingly used to say that her goal is to finish reading the relevant chapter of their book on the baby's first year before the baby grows into the next one, but it has been very useful nonetheless.

The source of specialized information is essential because it gives you a benchmark needed to know when something requires immediate action. While something new will happen with your baby every single day, knowing that something new requires immediate medical attention is fundamental to your baby’s well-being.

The third and last element of the concept is the disposition to accept the uncertainty and the constant change and to be able to enjoy it. Of course, it will not be without stress or fear, but I am talking about an enjoyment that factors the stress and fear in and goes a little beyond. 

And that’s how I’ve tried to face parenthood, by flaneuring - some days by being quite literally a loafer with a stroller! But in the good sense, the one of being willing to be surprised, fully immersed in the experience and open to it changing me. What I am describing is the ability to be present in the moment, realize that it will last just a fleeting second before going on to the next and that it is a gift.

I feel a disclaimer is in order: This is not a ´how-to’ blog. You will not find here descriptions of what to expect each day or developmental milestones for your baby; there will not be any checklists of what you need to do or read before each stage. There are other sources put together by people with more knowledge and experience than me that do that. 

What you will find here is my story told through the lessons I have learned in my journey going from inexperienced father to experienced father… of my daughter. I hope it will help you on your journey to becoming the experienced dad of your own baby!

Cheers, 

Sebastian.