Now that a few months have passed since my daughter was born, looking back to those first weeks I can see the gigantic difference between the person I was then and the person I am now. It is natural, of course. As time passes, it is no surprise that one grows into the role of a parent and starts feeling more and more comfortable in it. 

In that retrospective analysis of the first months, the time I took off from work was fundamental. My goal with this entry is to convince you of the importance of taking time off from work to spend it with your wife and your baby. And also, to let you know how the end of that time off and going back to work went for me, with the hope that it gives you some context on that transition and that it helps you make it as smoothly as possible.

The idea of taking time off of work, as far as I know, is widely accepted. But to give more context to any expecting first-time dad out there, in my experience, having time to dedicate your full attention to your baby and your family is fundamental. And it is fundamental in two ways, for the baby and for you. 

For the baby because they get the undivided attention and love and affection that is so critical for them in general but that it is especially important in those first months of life. And to my surprise, I also found out that it was fundamental for me. That time of undivided attention for the baby ended up being undivided attention for myself too, and to the emotional process behind becoming a father. During those weeks that my wife and I dedicated ourselves completely to the baby also allowed us to live the process fully and to digest the excitement, nervousness, fear, stress, and happiness that comes along with it.

To put it into words, those weeks completely dedicated to our baby allowed us three to get to know each other. It allowed the baby to get to know her mother and father, us to get to know our baby, and my wife and I to get to know each other in our new roles. It is as if in those weeks we recognized each other as father, mother, and baby. And most importantly, it allowed us to convince our baby that we were there for her.

It might seem crazy since our baby was only three months old by the time I went back to work, but I do think my wife and I managed to let her know that we were there for her in a way that made her feel secure. According to my wife and I, our baby thanked the constancy with which we were there for her during those months. It is our interpretation, of course, because she cannot speak yet, but when the time came for us to go back to work, the transition felt natural, even if it was hard.

If we agree that taking time off is necessary, the next question is how much time is needed to get comfortable in your new role and for your baby to feel that you are there for them. As context, I am a freelancer working remotely, so I had a certain degree of freedom in choosing how much time I took off from work. I was somewhat constrained by the expectations of my main client, to which I dedicate most of my billable hours each month. In the end, I managed to take three full months completely off from work.

In our case, that time proved to be enough for us to feel ready to go back to work (my wife took the same time off). Or put in other words, of course we would have wanted more time, but it felt somewhat natural. I guess most people do not get to choose how much time they go on paternity leave, so they have to make do with what their company offers them. Even though it was a positive experience, I do think three months can be cutting it too close. We managed ourselves with what we had, but I can see how it might be too short. So my recommendation is to aim for four months at least, in case it is up to you to decide.

By the time the leave is over, I think the goal for a first-time parent should be to feel comfortable in their new role and to have bonded enough with the baby, as already mentioned above. But a third goal is also to set up a structure that allows for a routine that includes both work and taking care of the baby. This is, in a sense, most likely very obvious, but the sooner you start thinking about this, the better.

That visualization of the time after the leave was something I could not see as clearly. Getting ready for the leave and the expectation of the birth itself was all I could mentally handle before the second happened. Thankfully once the three months started and we no longer needed to deal with work, we did have time to think about what resources we would need to be able to work and take care of our baby at the same time.

In our case, the structure we set up consisted of paid help for three days a week and then each grandmother taking one of the remaining two days of the working week. Our baby is the first grandchild for both of the grandmothers, so they are eager to help and to spend time with their granddaughter. That arrangement is the one that best worked for me and my wife, where we balanced financial needs, the nature of our work and the well-being of the baby. 

For a while we considered taking care of the baby ourselves for one day a week, both to reduce expenses and to make sure she spent more time with us, her parents. But we decided against it because it would put too much strain on our work, which requires long periods of continuous focus, synchronous work with other people, and availability during normal business hours. Looking back on that idea I think it was more about us being in denial about our paternity leave coming to an end.

Because there is no escaping it - the end of the leave will be sad! A very unique and special chapter in the baby’s life and in your journey as a parent ends. In a way, it is a manifestation of what it means for a child to grow. They no longer need you as they once did, and that is not easy to accept for a parent. 

The important thing is that the end of the leave is sad because the chapter will end, and not because it will be traumatic for her. By taking the time to bond with your baby to get to know her and to grow into your new role and by planning what your post-leave routine will look like and what resources it will need, you will be ready to close that very happy chapter and go on to the next ones.