Oh, the excitement when a baby is born! Clearly, up until recently, I had only been on the end of being the person excited for a family member or friend who just recently had a baby. A baby is happy news anytime, but it is even more so when it is the child of someone close to you. The person you’ve known forever had a kid! It’s no longer just he or she, as it has always been, but they’ve just transformed into a parent.

In our case, our daughter was the first baby for many people. It was the first grandchild for both my parents and my in-laws. On my wife’s maternal side, it was even the first great-grandchild for her grandparents, both of whom are alive. For my wife’s and my generation, it was the first baby for many in our family and our friendships. In summary, our daughter was the cause of great happiness for a great lot of people. This happiness translated into many visits, as everyone wanted to see us and meet the baby.

I am writing this because a few months have passed since our daughter was born, so there’s some temporal distance from which to see those first weeks and months. And in that distance, there are two things I would like to mention regarding visits, with the hope that it will serve as good advice for any first-time parents out there who reads this. 

The first thing I can say is what a blessing it was and continues to be, even if the initial excitement of our family and friends has somewhat subsided, to have so many people who want to share your joy! It really is heartwarming, to some extent even encouraging, to see someone meet your baby and realize they are feeling true happiness for you. It made my wife and I feel like we were part of a community that enthusiastically welcomed our daughter as its newest member.

The second thing I would like to say, which is really what I would have wanted to know before having our daughter, is that visits after having your first kid are something that you need to think about and plan before the baby comes. Because as a first-time parent, you are going to be tired (drained might even be a better word); you are going to be stressed; and you are going to be nervous, so entertaining people, even if very close and even if for such a happy reason as celebrating your first child, is going to be very, very hard.

I would say that, as with many things in life, there’s a spectrum of things you can do to organize the visits to your newborn. The most restrictive end of the spectrum is the decision not to entertain at all for the first few weeks. On the other end of the spectrum is entertaining with no restriction, receiving visitors as they let you know they want to see you. I know someone who went with the most restrictive approach and didn’t see anyone but the grandparents of her baby for the first month, and she swears by it.

You might think the no-visits end of the spectrum is harsh, but believe me, it’s not a crazy approach. Remember, you are drained, stressed, and nervous, so at some level, it does make sense. On the other hand, the no-restrictions end of the spectrum, which is how my wife and I started, is just too demanding. After having gone through it, I do not recommend it. 

My rationale behind what I think is the best approach to visits after having your first child is that receiving all that love and affection your close ones want to give you is the best you can do. Even if you need to invest some very scarce physical and mental energy. Below are a few recommendations of what I would do if I had to go over it again:

1. Designate someone other than you or your wife to be the point of contact with the outside world regarding visits;
2. Make a list of those close ones that you would like to see in the hospital after giving birth;
3. After getting home, no visits during the first three days (at least);
4. Designate a place in your house where you are going to receive the visits;
5. Determine a time of day during which you are going to entertain and what you would like to offer to eat and drink;
6. Determine a visiting schedule, both dates and times;
7. Be precise about timing when you invite your guests; and
8. Entertain in groups.

The ideal person to choose to be your “master of ceremonies” during those days is someone most of your close ones would naturally contact to coordinate a visit. The grandmothers of the newborn are a good example. Most of the people visiting in our case were their family, so they spoke directly to them anyway. For people of your age group, you could maybe choose a sibling who will probably already have had contact with them. The important thing is that you delegate the task of coordinating visits to someone else and that that person is aware and well-versed in how you have decided to receive visits. There will be people you will feel too awkward sending to your parent or sibling, and that’s fine, but do not underestimate how much effort they are saving you by handling most of the coordination.

Visits, while you are in the hospital, are tricky because both of you have a lot to learn about the baby, and your wife must also learn how to tend to her recovering body. Entertaining during that time has the advantage that people don’t expect anything to eat or drink and naturally do not overstay their welcome. However, in my experience, I would recommend you limit visits during those days to the bare minimum. The time is better spent being the three of you alone as much as possible. In any case, make the list so your master of ceremonies is aware of it, and they can kindly let the people not on it know that you will be able to see them in a few days.

I recommend not seeing anyone for at least three days after getting home from the hospital. Your wife needs to recover, and it is best to prioritize that process. The sooner she gets better, the easier it will be to entertain, so it is the best you can do to ensure you enjoy future visits. If your master of ceremonies can field the insistent people who want to see you immediately, that would be ideal. It will save you the wear and tear of turning people down.

Once you are ready to start receiving your visitors after prioritizing your wife’s healing process, choose the place of your house that you will use to entertain. That way, the rest of your home can be falling apart with the craziness of a newborn, but you know which space you need to save from the chaos. Also, choose a regular cadence, schedule, and food and drinks to offer. That will allow you to incorporate the visits into your routine and that of the baby, and it will allow you to organize yourself and buy in bulk during your regular grocery shopping whatever you are offering to your guests. In our case, we entertained our guests every other day and offered them soda, nuts, and chips. It was easy and not complicated because we didn’t need any tableware besides glasses.

The last two recommendations are to communicate to your guests when you expect them to arrive and at what time you would like them to leave, and to entertain in groups. Letting people know when the visit will end might seem awkward, but in my experience, people were thankful for having the time set by us. They appreciated the specificity because it took away the uncertainty of whether they were overstaying their welcome. And entertaining in groups is more efficient and will also help you during the visit. For example, if you are particularly tired on a given day, having a group of people around will take the pressure off of you to sustain the conversation.

Of course, implementing all of the above recommendations might be unfeasible, as one cannot simply control everything, especially social interactions, which are so natural and free-flowing. Hopefully, it will give you context as to the challenges you will face when receiving visits after having your first child and ideas on how to manage them in the best way possible.