Is there anything more daunting, frightening, or unnerving than becoming a dad for the first time? For me, the days right before the birth felt like one of the longest waits of my life. It is all just so new, so different from anything you have done before.

Maybe I could have researched more to reduce the stress from not knowing what was coming. And I am sure you can probably think of other ways to feel more empowered to face the challenge of becoming the father to a baby. Before you go on, please note that nothing I say below should prevent you from doing those things. In the worst-case scenario, they will not help, but I do not think they can harm you. What I do want to do here is tell you a little bit about my experience, with the hope that it will get you, nerves and everything, excited about what you will soon go through.

Another thing worth mentioning is that how to face the challenge of becoming a dad is something you can only know by living it. One has to go through it to fully understand, much like learning anything. People can tell you about it, but it will still be somewhat incomplete because some things cannot be put into words. Below is just some encouragement that hopefully will make the wait a little less stressful.

At least in our case, a lot of people commented when my wife was pregnant about how hard the first months with a newborn are, how it is essential to have a nanny, how your sleeping habits change forever, and so on. Now having gone through it, all of the things our family and friends warned us about were, to an extent, true. But I am thankful that, albeit inadvertently, my wife and I created the conditions that allowed us to live the experience by ourselves and live it fully.

We did not have the time to set up an infrastructure that would have allowed us to avoid the things our friends and family warned us about. For example, we didn’t have a nanny or daycare for the first three months, which was the time we both took off from work. Those months were hard, just like we had been warned about, but were also very rewarding. They allowed us to grow into our new roles relatively easily and quickly.

Before my daughter, I had never held a baby under six months in my entire life. But something changed that first night in the hospital for me. It was only my wife, our new baby, and me. We had great nurses who helped us a lot, but they were not there every minute. My wife had just gone through the actual delivery, which does require recovery and healing. So that only left me to take care of the baby most of the time that first night.

The thought that it was either me or no one else, of course, was stressful, even borderline panicking. But at the same time, it was comforting. It was as though I was meant to do it. Which in some sense I was - I am, in fact, her father! In that decisive moment, it was just all about taking a deep breath and starting to learn how to take care of my baby by actually taking care of her. It felt so awkward and nerve-racking; she felt so fragile that I thought I could harm her at any moment. But I eventually got to the point where I enjoyed my baby girl, which is far from where I was that first night.

It was not easy, of course. It’s not like I just had to sit back and relax. It took me time and effort to get used to the more logistical aspects of having a baby, like changing diapers, and it also took me time to get to know her, like figuring out what soothed her. It’s hard work getting to the point where that becomes second nature. But once you do get to that point, you unlock the level where the experience becomes enjoyable.

My experience leads me to believe that we all have a parental instinct that just needs to kick in. Once you see that baby, process that it is yours, and you are bonding with it, you are going to awaken that instinct, and you are suddenly going to feel that you will not drown under the pressure. And slowly but steadily, as the days go by, you will get to the point where you think you will be able to handle the whole parenting thing, with all its difficulties, and even be successful at it.

That parental instinct to me is much like the innate sense of compassion we all have that allows us to determine in any given circumstance what is right and what is wrong. With your baby, at some point, something just clicks, and you can know, in a very similar way to having a moral sense, what is best for him or her. You might not be able to conceptualize it, but you will find that inner sense of peace and resolve when making decisions knowing those are the right ones.

If I had to give just one recommendation to a future first-time parent, it would be to make sure you give a chance for the instinct to kick in. Of course, a lot depends on specific circumstances. If we would not have been able to take those three months off of our work, for example, we would have had to get paid help sooner than we did. But what I am recommending is that taking into consideration the specific circumstances of your particular case, you leave room for you to be with your baby, bond with her, and fully internalize the fundamental change that is becoming a father. Once you are there, you will hopefully find out, like I did, that you had it in you all the time.